September 14, 2004

Tragedy as Comedy

Well, this is fantastic! It's the Kerry campaign, done as Shakespeare.

Start here:

To be or not to be President: that is my platform:
Whether 'tis more nuanced to vote for before against
The 87 billion of outrageous appropriation,
Or to make my case upon the seas of health care,
And by raising taxes get it fully funded? To windsurf: to trap-shoot:
To say "I cannot bring a gun to the debate." Oh end
The heart-ache and the thousand polling shocks
This campaign is heir to, tis a consomme
Devoutly to be reheated. To be elected, to rule;
To rule: perchance to decide: ay, there's the belly rub;
For in decision what results may come
When we have pulled out and hugged Chirac
Must give us all pause: I can't get no respect

Verily, continue here:
Alas, poor Rather! I knew him, Teddy: a fellow
of fine buzzcuttery, of most excellent folksiness: he hath
borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how
abhorred in my imagination it is! my flip flops at
it. Somewhere hung that weathered ass I have kissed I know
not how oft. Where be your crackling hickory now, Dan? your
Aunt Milly? Your Uncle Charlie? your flashes of wild-eyed
dementia that were wont to set the TV screen ablaze? Not one
now, to mock your own thin-lipped scowl? quite chap-fallen?
Now get you to my lady’s chamber, and tell her—
oops, beg pardon—ask her, for she can be quite
the bitch sometimes—to this favour she must
come; make her laugh at that. Prithee, Teddy, tell
me one thing.

Thence finally here:
To fair L.A. the herald now commutes
And to the Simon Castle he imputes
A muse of fire in the Sage above the pool
That he too shall play our Omlet for the fool.

UPDATE: Thanks to Gerard Van der Leun in the comments, Blogfonte has Bill Clinton advising the Kerry campaign:

DUKE CLINTON
Yet here, Edwards! attack, attack, for shame!
Their bile drips from the orbit of your eye,
And you are blind’d thus. There; my blessing with thee!
With these few precepts in thy memory
Damn their character. Give thy doubts no tongue,
Nor any proportioned thought the act.
Be thou familiar, and by all means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, no niceties further tied,
Shift away, or to our cause further steel;
But do not dull thy blade with soft sweetness
Lest some milquetoast, halfheart pundit wilt. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Drive the enemy partisans in disgust to flee.
Give every rumor thy ear, and each thy voice;
Earn them every man's censure, and stay on message.
Costly thy habit that niceness buys,
Politician never so sweet, gaudied;
But the apparel thus will wear the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Will be all you to this ticket pulls.
Neither an explainer nor an excuser be;
For halves oft loses both itself and friend,
And stonewalling locks you in the rigid lie.
This above all: to thine own message be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thine falsity will be found by no man.
Farewell: my nurse is here for my bath!

Posted by Jeff at September 14, 2004 04:46 PM | Link Cosmos
Comments

And now move on to SCENE III. A lavish hotel room in Cleveland Enter OMLET and JOHN EDWARDS as described by Blogfonte.

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun on September 14, 2004 05:15 PM
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