November 22, 2007

lolelecshun: yur debate ... i fixed it

Blitzer greeting Clinton: yur debate ... i fixed it

What? You think that the company that admitted to reporting Saddam Hussein's propaganda as news for a decade would be above rigging a debate for their chosen candidate?

Oh, and a happy Thanksgiving to all.

Posted by jeff at 11:18 AM | TrackBack

November 20, 2007

i can has president?

Inspired by lolcats, and armed with Gordon McNaughton's LolCat Builder, I decided to take on the 2008 campaigns. Herewith, the first installment: i can has president?

Hillary Clinton looking goofy: i can has president?

Christian Evangelicals: oh noes

Rudy Giuliani looking goofy: i can has president?

Christian Evangelicals: oh noes

Michael Moore looking fat: i can has cheezeburger?

herd of cows: oh noes

Posted by jeff at 10:25 PM | TrackBack

May 9, 2007

Rage Against Stupidity - A Call for Action

Glenn Reynolds points to this delightful rant about the administrators of Tennessee State University, who (in their boundless enthusiasm to prevent another Virginia Tech-style rampage) have banned squirt guns! You heard me: they banned squirt guns. Well, that would have stopped the various sociopaths who have shot up schools in the past!

All right. That's it. It's not legal to shoot idiots in the street. It's arguably not even moral. So since these idiots insist on beclowning themselves in public, I propose that we follow suit. Here's the deal: if enough people (say, ten) are seriously interested in, and will commit to, showing up in Nashville, in front of the administration building, on July 2 at 4pm local time, in clown suits and carrying squirt guns, then I and my family will also show up, in clown suits and carrying squirt guns, and we will join together in soaking the front of the administration building.

The madness must stop! The idiots must be opposed! Those who insist on beclowning themselves must face the wrath of clowns!

Who's with me?

(Cross-posted at Eternity Road)

Posted by jeff at 10:20 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

April 11, 2007

Life is Deep, Perhaps

Inspired by the always-insane Wondermark, here are some song lyrics, which have been run through Babelfish from English to Japanese and back. Your task: guess the songs. No fair looking below the "More..." link until you've made a guess.

  1. That heart because of rent however is not, the haughty way he does not have to be put in place. The quiet defense which that spare and many day comes being, from thing rides. It is what which is said river society concerning thing and that company which are said? The fog do to catch, capture ones of myth the mystery do to catch, catch drifting. As for the world, there is a world, there is love, it meaning that that eye is wide, life is deep, perhaps.
  2. As for the magical errand which it dries can call from the depth of your dishonor, solid mind elegantly your lever re-arranges, and the music which comes from the distance directly entirely achieves, and the fruit of the person who is recorded tastes everything vis-a-vis time loses. And the point assessing everywhere, ev' which it leads; Ry selects one. Dewdrop like music of the sun can praise us and the removing, and the course you' where we move; The plain which chooses re running.
  3. There are many of the child and the child who places the law in circle. When they jump, simultaneously, I, in the top and bottom, desire thing to the top and bottom. Being thrown in this role which when enters? When in order to turn to fasion which wears the clothes? Throw your gown, to the top and bottom. Normal There' As for s what kind of you' for whether the sky, everything which you say of; The proverb of re, it makes possible inquires about that. And to the element of the thing which that prays, leaving, try to keep accompanying. Until we play to only the sky. Until we play to only the sky.

OK, some of those might be obscure if you don't share my musical tastes, so let's try some current pop songs and some very, very well-known songs of the past. List two:

  1. Love in order to do, loves me. Always I love, I' The truth which is ll, so in order to do happiness I whom it does, loves am known. Whoa in order to do, loves me.
  2. The black where the car and the theyre all line flower were painted and my love which comes returning both never my people turns the head, not observing at that my center which day I see directly exactly in by my is left and sees if you look at that it is the black which I see thing evry which goes like the baby of the new life which is caused my darkness personal opinion, to because the girl walks being able to dress the clothes with clothing of their summers, my my head must be turned, red door me that we want the black no color which was painted already me desired those in order to turn me The red door and as for that the black which was painted perhaps when facin which then directly is not easy in sickness fact and atrophying because it is not necessary to face being black me your entire world is black instantly
  3. If you attach those to the gold body, me; Family Sippin' With show after Grammies which likes the fact that it goes coolly or however many records selling me, the diamond ring entirely I' M I' which is not primitive; In m those don' The average of t Chaperons or it is not the limousine queen of the thing which shops high thing I clean, the magazine and boogie scene I' of the movie screen; M I' With m me the machine which still goes to TACO BELL drive, unprocessed me don' The worry and substance I' of t; M still it is not, recollection of many day when I had Mustang

    And the answers:

    1. Rush, Tom Sawyer
    2. Yes, Close to the Edge
    3. Dar Williams, Playing to the Firmament

    That last one really was cheating, since Dar Williams is not, sadly, well known.

    The second list:

    1. The Beatles, Love me Do
    2. The Rolling Stones, Paint it Black
    3. Fergie, Glamorous

    Posted by jeff at 12:02 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

    March 9, 2007

    The Future of Advertising

    Stephanie has discovered the future of advertising. Well, Zima has discovered it, but Stephanie brought it to light.

    Posted by jeff at 9:38 PM | TrackBack

    January 15, 2007

    When Ad People Abuse Drugs

    So here, via Brian Tiemann, is an old promo tape for Windows/386. I don't know what's best about this video. It's a close race between Microsoft's admission that OS/2 is better than any then-current Microsoft OS, the talking up of Chart (supposed to be Microsoft's Lotus 1-2-3 killer, until MS bought Excel) as some kind of second coming, the takeover by crack-smoking monkeys (as described by the guy who posted the video) 7 minutes in, or the apparent surprise of Windows/386 that it's PRINTING! Enjoy.

    Posted by jeff at 9:35 AM | TrackBack

    November 1, 2006

    Kerry is a Bastard

    But the troops have a sense of humor.

    Posted by jeff at 6:49 PM | TrackBack

    October 13, 2006

    Border "Security" : Arriba!

    You simply have to watch this political stunt, where a congressional candidate "snuck" across the border. On an elephant. Led by a mariachi band. No, I'm not kidding.

    Thanks, Glenn, for the laugh.

    Posted by jeff at 9:42 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

    October 9, 2006

    Supporting Somebody's — Anybody's — Troops

    So, on the Democrats' web site, they have a whole bit about how they "support the troops" — and the picture is of a Canadian soldier.

    Posted by jeff at 4:53 PM | TrackBack

    October 2, 2006

    I Want One

    The Mohammed bobblehead. Someone, anyone, get me one of these for a present, OK? I want to hang it on my heavily-Pagan Christmas tree.

    Posted by jeff at 11:14 PM | TrackBack

    September 14, 2006

    Best One-Question Poll Ever

    On which is a better predictor of outcomes, at crosstabs.

    Posted by jeff at 7:39 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    September 1, 2006

    Franklin, My Dear, ...

    Talking about "painting a target" on yourself for ridicule.

    Target ad for Franklin Roosevelt action figure shows Benjamin Franklin instead

    (hat tip: Steph)

    Posted by jeff at 3:53 PM | TrackBack

    August 31, 2006

    I bet "Fat Bottomed Girls" was the Last Straw

    Apparently, some Muslims from Zanzibar are annoyed that Freddie Mercury will be honored next month on the 60th anniversary of his birth (in Zanzibar). Apparently, "[a]ssociating Mercury with Zanzibar degrades our island as a place of Islam."

    Some thoughts:

    1) Degrading any place as a place of Islam is good.
    2) Mike's right twice: Mercury just rocks, and pissing off Islamists is a good thing. (These guys are real bastards, too.)
    3) Wouldn't it be cool if Mazda made a car called the Ahura?

    Posted by jeff at 4:49 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    August 18, 2006

    What do you want, a medal?

    No further comment

    Posted by jeff at 8:35 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

    August 9, 2006

    156?! That's Arbitrarily Terrifying!

    Jon Stewart has a laugh out loud funny bit.

    Posted by jeff at 9:55 PM | TrackBack

    July 19, 2006

    Heh

    Steph comments on the New York Times' recent decision to use smaller pages.

    Posted by jeff at 3:25 PM | TrackBack

    July 14, 2006

    Duck of Doom!

    Reuters gets Munchkinly.

    Posted by Brian at 12:58 AM | TrackBack

    June 27, 2006

    Slam of the Day

    From James Taranto:

    Meanwhile, the editorialists at the New York Times, who prove each day that monkeys with typewriters cannot produce the works of Shakespeare, also disapprove

    Ouch.

    Posted by jeff at 5:32 PM | TrackBack

    June 23, 2006

    A Better Way

    Not exactly news, but yet another person had trouble canceling his AOL account. He, however, recorded it. Our technique was simpler: we changed banks, so AOL could no longer take money from our account. Months later, after several "last warning" snail mails, they cancelled the account.

    Posted by jeff at 10:16 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    May 6, 2006

    Well, He'll Certainly Get That Impression

    From AP, President Bush gave the commencement address at Oklahoma State University today.

    From the article we get this illuminating statement from one of the protesters outside [emphasis mine]:

    "If he's coming to my town, I'm going to let him know he's not welcome here and that Oklahomans are not as bright as they think," said Laurie Keeley, 25, a protester from Tulsa.

    Laurie Keeley, 25, from Tulsa, may know of what she speaks.

    From a greekchat.com forum we get this from a 2000 post by one Laurie Keeley of Tulsa (who was to attend OSU):

    I will be a freshman this fall and I REALLY want to join a sorority. The problem is my G.P.A. is only 2.28.

    To borrow from Glenn - indeed.

    Posted by Brian at 9:57 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    April 11, 2006

    Protest Anthem

    So, commenter queuno suggested that the Hispanic immigrant movement needs a protest anthem.

    I offer this Judas Priest classic:

    There I was completely wasting, out of work and down
    All inside it’s so frustrating as I drift from town to town
    Feel as though nobody cares if I live or die
    So I might as well begin to put some action in my life

    Breaking the law, breaking the law
    Breaking the law, breaking the law
    Breaking the law, breaking the law
    Breaking the law, breaking the law

    So much for the golden future, I can’t even start
    I’ve had every promise broken, there’s anger in my heart
    You don’t know what it’s like, you don’t have a clue
    If you did you’d find yourselves doing the same thing too

    Breaking the law, breaking the law
    Breaking the law, breaking the law
    Breaking the law, breaking the law
    Breaking the law, breaking the law

    You don’t know what it’s like

    Breaking the law, breaking the law
    Breaking the law, breaking the law
    Breaking the law, breaking the law
    Breaking the law, breaking the law

    Breaking the law

    Posted by Brian at 12:43 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    March 31, 2006

    While I'm Away

    I'll be driving to Michigan over the next week, not once but twice, so while I am not around to entertain (?), amuse (??) or enlighten (!!!!) you, you should know that Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog.

    (hat tip: Yehudit)

    Posted by jeff at 7:54 AM | TrackBack

    March 27, 2006

    Irony

    Posted without comment.

    Posted by jeff at 8:26 PM | TrackBack

    February 23, 2006

    Ah, Homeschooling Boys

    Steph has a vision of teaching about mummies.

    Posted by jeff at 8:33 PM | TrackBack

    February 14, 2006

    The Chocolate Bunny of Brutality

    Planet Moron ruthlessly mocks the Organic Consumers Association.

    Posted by jeff at 8:59 AM | TrackBack

    February 12, 2006

    VP Cheney Accidentally Shoots Lawyer

    It's a start.

    UPDATE: More here.

    UPDATE: For the sake of all that's Holy! I've been listening to the news some today, including the press conference with Scott McClelland, and the national press is in full dander over not being informed for about a day after the incident. OK, two points:

    1) Since the incident is pretty minor in terms of governance and its implications thereon, not telling the press corps immediately does not reflect any kind of conspiracy.
    2) The press corps does not have the right to be informed of everything that happens to anyone in government at all times and immediately. They want that privilege, but I don't see any reason to grant it to them. The private lives and events of government officers and elected officials, to the extent that they neither impact governing actions nor the ability of the person to continue in his job, should not be public knowledge: the utter lack of privacy in every aspect of one's life makes it much more difficult to attract qualified people to high government service.

    Posted by jeff at 11:56 PM | TrackBack

    January 28, 2006

    It's in the Koran

    Sing along with the jihadis, because It's in the Koran. (hat tip: LGF)

    Here's the lyrics:

    In our days of glory
    now centuries past
    The kingdom of Islam
    stood mighty and vast
    Then we failed our faith
    and watched your power grow
    But soon our greatness will return
    And this is how we know

    Because it's in the Koran
    It's writen in the Koran
    A world united under Allah
    Is the future of man
    How could it not be so
    when most opposing us panic
    and surrender once a few of them have bled

    We're happy to torture
    We're eager to rape
    We savor your last screams on videotape
    We massacre children
    We ransack a shrine
    And all our acts are sanctified
    By Suras 2 through 9

    Because it's in the Koran
    It's written in the Koran
    that we should fight and slay the infidels
    however we can
    We'll blow ourselves to bits
    if that gives us an advantage
    Or we'll slit your throats
    while youre asleep in bed

    Those heathens who scold us
    are wasting their breath
    over the millions we've butchered
    and starved
    We're men who would let girls
    be trampled to death
    Rather than see them in public
    unscarved

    So don't look for mercy
    when you're at our feet
    The justice we'll give you
    is harsh and complete
    We danced in delight
    when your Twin Towers fell
    And you'll weep with your slaughtered
    as you burn with them in Hell

    Because it's in the Koran,
    it's written in the Koran
    Your fate was settled long before
    this latest battle began
    We've found our holy purpose
    and we'll never abandon it
    as long as there's a sinner to behead

    In other words we won't rest
    tlil everyone in the West
    is a slave, a Muslim or dead

    Posted by jeff at 10:38 PM | TrackBack

    January 26, 2006

    And the Dessert Cart Rolls On

    This is the best SNL skit I've seen since the 2000 elections. Swallow liquids first.

    From The Political Teen via Q and O.




    OK, embedding is harder than I thought. How do I get the controls for the video to show up?

    UPDATE: In the meantime, you can get it directly from here. (Don't just click the link: download it.)

    Posted by jeff at 10:52 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    January 25, 2006

    Reduction to an Absurdity

    Planet Moron has reduced the term "living document" to its absurdly pathetic core, writing about the NSA surveillance controversy:

    Although these actions may appear to be illegal, the President claims that Congress gave him tacit approval when it passed the “Authorization for Use of Military Force” legislation shortly after 9/11. Sure, it doesn’t explicitly authorize his actions, but the President tends to take a more activist, expansive view of the text, believing the legislation to be more of a “living document” in which his authority resides within a penumbra or if not that, then almost certainly an emanation. Surely the wise men who put finger to keyboard one-fifth of a score ago didn’t mean for us to take the words literally, frozen in place for all time.

    Posted by jeff at 8:01 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

    Don't be Evil ... Much

    Google's motto is "Don't be Evil". In order to gain access to markets in China, Google has accepted the need to censor it's Chinese offerings, at the behest of the Chinese Communist government, to filter out dangerous ideas like freedom, democracy and human rights. (hat tip: Winds of Change) In other words, Google, founded by Leftists out to Change the World™, is acting like all companies do: it is accommodating its ideals to the market to increase its profitability. But, I think that means that they need a new motto. Here are my suggestions; feel free to leave yours in the comments.

    Don't be Evil ... Much
    Don't be mumble mumble
    mumble mumble EVIL
    Don't be Less Profitable
    Don't be Evil. Patronizing, Censorious and Anti-Democratic is Fine.
    Is Going Against Our Ideals to Aid a Tyrannical Government by Censoring Access to Freedom and Democracy Really Evil, Anyway?

    UPDATE: Ouch.

    Posted by jeff at 7:39 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    January 23, 2006

    Mullahs Across Texas

    I would do my part to ensure that they were scared to death. (Commenting on Dean Esmay's blog because I can't comment at Dean Esmay's blog. Read here for context.)

    Posted by jeff at 6:28 PM | TrackBack

    January 21, 2006

    Well, Coming Anarchy is Keeping me Entertained Tonight

    Swallow all liquids before watching this.

    Posted by jeff at 11:38 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    Gods and Monsters

    Never has one of my category names been better exemplified (though I didn't necessarily mean "human monsters") than at Coming Anarchy. And yet this post is in another category entirely. Go figure.

    Posted by jeff at 11:32 PM | TrackBack

    "Omar then closed his eyes and began to rock slowly back and forth."

    The best article on bin Laden's recent "truce" speech I've yet seen is at the Onion.

    Posted by jeff at 11:27 PM | TrackBack

    January 18, 2006

    No, It's Not Just You

    "Issues with men" might be understating things a bit.

    Posted by jeff at 7:15 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    January 17, 2006

    The Origin of "Size Doesn't Matter"

    It must have been South Korean. (hat tip: Mark in Mexico)

    Posted by jeff at 7:33 PM | TrackBack

    December 7, 2005

    Inspections Fail Again

    This had me laughing.

    Posted by jeff at 11:03 AM | TrackBack

    December 2, 2005

    What Bad Book Am I?

    Via PoliBlog



    take the WHAT BAD BOOK ARE YOU test.
    and go to mewing.net. not as good as reading a good book, but way better than a bad one.

    I'm not quite sure what to make of this result. Maybe just the fact that I'm old-fashioned.

    Posted by Nemo at 8:37 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

    November 17, 2005

    Corporate Sponsorship - of Towns?!

    And here I thought it couldn't get any worse.

    However, if Mercedes were to make this offer to our town, I might have to go for it :)

    Dishing themselves up a treat in Texas

    A Texan town has changed its name to Dish in exchange for 10 years of free satellite television service.

    All 125 residents of the town formerly known as Clark will get basic service and a free digital video-recorder and satellite-TV receiver, a move that has some people joking the Fort-Worth suburb will become a town of couch potatoes.

    Posted by Nemo at 12:30 PM | TrackBack

    Corporate Sponsorship - of Towns?!

    And here I thought it couldn't get any worse.

    However, if Mercedes were to make this offer to our town, I might have to go for it :)

    Dishing themselves up a treat in Texas

    A Texan town has changed its name to Dish in exchange for 10 years of free satellite television service.

    All 125 residents of the town formerly known as Clark will get basic service and a free digital video-recorder and satellite-TV receiver, a move that has some people joking the Fort-Worth suburb will become a town of couch potatoes.

    Posted by Nemo at 12:30 PM | TrackBack

    November 12, 2005

    Satire by Musical Parody

    Via the ever-wonderful Iowahawk, a brilliant take on the French riots. My favorite bit:

    Go greased Peugeot you're burning up the Rue De Ville!
    (Greased Peugeot, burn greased Peugeot)
    Go greased Peugeot you're burning up by Allah’s will !
    (Greased Peugeot, burn greased Peugeot)
    It’s bitchin’ sweet to see it light up the street, greased Peugeot!
    Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

    Well, it's either that or the parody of Age of Aquarius.

    Posted by jeff at 11:23 PM | TrackBack

    November 7, 2005

    Qu'est Que C'est "Bong"?

    I love reading Gerard Van der Leun.

    Posted by jeff at 10:29 AM | TrackBack

    October 11, 2005

    Unicef War Crimes

    So, let me get this straight: Unicef wanted to call attention to war crimes, so it carpet bombed the Smurfs? (I had read about this earlier, but the picture just makes it so much more interesting.) So let me get this straight: according to Unicef, actual atrocities are beyond our willingness to grapple with, but killing Smurfs, man, that'll bring on the peace movement full bore.

    Yeah, that'll comfort those the UN has abandoned in places like Rwanda and Darfur and the Balkans.

    UPDATE: Rusty Shackleford at Jawa Report has links to the full video. Kinda makes you wonder what other adult-only Smurf films might be coming. (I feel dirty for even typing that.)

    UPDATE: I wish I were this funny:

    Don't let war affect the lives of Smurfs.

    To that I say, "Why the hell not?" What has their merry little hippie commune given the world anyway? The sing, they dance, they do shrooms, and they smurf that little tart Smurfette in her smurf day in and day out. And don't even get me started on that gray-haired know-it-all. I think we can all agree it's been a long time coming for someone to give Smurf Village the "Belgian Congo" treatment. Who better to kill in cold blood than Belgians? If only they weren't blue, but black, I bet the Belgians would really get a thrill.

    Honestly, I don't think they went far enough here. Bombs from the sky? C'mon, how about some nice poison gas? You know, the kind Saddam "Completely Innocent" Hussein used to choke Iranian and Kurdish tykes in their own bodily fluids? I won't be happy until Brainy Smurf blisters yellow from mustard gas. Okay, I guess technically he'd turn green, what with that "yellow and blue make green" bit going on.

    And really, if you're going to go this far, go whole hog. I want a sequence of Gargamel riding a chopper door with a '60, yelling "Do the whole fucking vil! Do the whole fucking vil!"

    A little joke: how do you tell the difference between enemy Smurfs and friendly Smurfs? You fucking don't, you peacenik. If they run, they're Smurfs. If they stand still, they're well-disciplined Smurfs.

    Man, I hope this concept catches on. I want napalm spattered across Teletubbies. I want Lazytown firebombed. I want those pigfucking Wiggles eaten from the inside out by cockroaches like E.G. Marshall at the end of Creepshow.

    Okay, so that last one has nothing to do with warfare. It's just my own personal affectation.

    Posted by jeff at 8:01 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    October 7, 2005

    Oh, That Tradeoff

    My first thought was, "What tradeoff?" But then I realized, we'd have to use up a rocket.

    Posted by jeff at 10:33 AM | TrackBack

    October 6, 2005

    Don't Use Slang You Don't Understand

    Howard Dean, certainly, seems to have misunderstood the term "hide the salami."

    Posted by jeff at 5:57 PM | TrackBack

    September 20, 2005

    Dry Cleaner: INXS

    OK, if you have been watching Rock Star: INXS, put down your drink and swallow before you take a look at this.

    By the way, not that anyone needs to be told that reality shows suck, but Rock Star: INXS would have been much more interesting if they had dropped the whole "reality" thing, had the performers live in a hotel and do the clinics and what not, and just come out and sing. The extra time could have been used to be a bit more professional, like making all of the singers pick 5 songs and do a mini-concert, to see if they could (a) pick good songs that go together and (b) maintain their voices through more than a song or two.

    Posted by jeff at 9:44 AM | TrackBack

    July 14, 2005

    Political Game Show

    TheOtherBlogger called to tell me about a "man on the street" thing that a local radio station was doing: how many justices on the Supreme Court, and who are they.

    I was telling Steph about this, and she was seeing how many she could name. I mentioned that I could name the British Defense and Foreign Ministers, and 1/3 to 1/2 of our cabinet, and Steph said, "There has to be a game show for people like you."

    "C-Span?", I suggested.

    Just thought it was funny.

    Posted by jeff at 5:55 PM | TrackBack

    July 8, 2005

    Trading on Panic

    Sorry Kevin, but Brit Hume was right.

    Posted by jeff at 10:22 PM | TrackBack

    July 5, 2005

    "To me, dissent is the real patriotism"

    Iowahawk has a brilliant parody, taking off from the tendency of jihadis to adopt Western Leftist rhetoric to muddy the moral waters. (hat tip: The Jawa Report)

    The waters are certainly muddy. (hat tip: Little Green Footballs)

    Posted by jeff at 2:56 PM | TrackBack

    June 28, 2005

    Eminent Domain and the Ten Commandments

    Leave it to Scrappleface to combine two of the most recent abominations of the Supreme Court.

    Posted by Brian at 11:16 PM | TrackBack

    June 23, 2005

    Local Warming

    George Bush withdrew the US signature from the Kyoto Accord on global climate change, after the Senate previously had voted overwhelmingly against it.

    Several years later, my air conditioner is broken, and the repairman failed, during the hottest Texas summer (predicted) in about 6 years.

    COINCIDENCE?

    Well, I think you know the answer to that!

    Posted by jeff at 12:13 AM | TrackBack

    June 5, 2005

    For Lack of Monkey

    Connor was told, last night, to pick up the hangars in his closet. He did:

    hangars artistically arranged

    I made a joke about selling it as modern art. Connor was confused as to why someone would buy something like that, and Stephanie and I explained about some of the modern "art" that has been sold for large amounts of money. In the course of this discussion, I explained about Jackson Pollack's paintings, and about how someone once, to prove a point, gave paint cans to a couple of monkeys and put them near a canvas (they were chimpanzees, actually, but close enough) and then forged Pollack's signature on it and sold the painting for a large amount of money.

    STEPHANIE: Geez! Why didn't we do that?
    CONNOR: We don't have any monkeys.

    Posted by jeff at 10:34 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    June 3, 2005

    I Almost Feel Left Out

    Can I be compared to Hitler, too?

    Posted by jeff at 3:53 PM | TrackBack

    May 27, 2005

    Stop it or I'll go Over to the Dark Side Right Now

    Fantastic Return of the Sith parody. It contains spoilers. If, you know, you've not guessed the ending by now.

    (hat tip: Peeve Farm)

    Posted by jeff at 1:07 PM | TrackBack

    May 24, 2005

    Who Among Us Doesn't Owe a Debt to the Gallery of Regrettable Food?

    There are no words. Did people actually eat this stuff? What drugs were they taking? Does the food explain the decor?

    Posted by jeff at 10:59 PM | TrackBack

    September 12, 2003

    In My World

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    Right Wing News has compiled a great set of quotes from IMAO's "In My World" posts. He misses a couple of my favorites, so here they are:

    "I would point out," said another reporter, "That just because someone has a Communist viewpoint, doesn't mean they should be shot."

    Rice then pointed the gun at him and pulled the trigger. "It works!"

    "One less Commie," Rumsfeld laugh. "Damn, I hope we finish this Iraq thing soon; I miss killing Commies. Remember when I strangled one in Nam?"

    "Yeah, that was last year," Rice answered, "Caused a bit of media firestorm."

    "Hey, if God didn't want us killing Commies, he wouldn't have given them necks fit for strangling."

    "We still have questions," interrupted one reporter.

    Rice pointed the gun at the reporter and pulled the trigger - an empty click. "Fine, what?"

    -----

    "So you think this will bring peace to the Middle East?" Bush asked.

    "I really don't give a rat's ass," Sharon answered, "I just wanted to see Arafat fired out of a cannon."

    "We all did," Bush said with a smile as he patted Sharon on his back, "We all did."

    -----

    "In other news, North Korea is now actually launching nuclear missiles at us, and we still don't give a rats ass. We now turn to our expert..."

    -----

    "I just want assure everyone that the Belgians have not captured the president," White House Press Secretary announced.

    "My question was about the tax cuts," said the befuddled reporter.

    "Whatever." Ari took a big drink from his flask of whiskey. "Oh, and if anyone is mountain climbing and happens to see the vice president, please give us a call."

    "You lost the vice president on some mountain top?" exclaimed one reporter.

    "I did not say that," Ari answered, "Why do you people always have to read into everything I say?" Ari took another big drink of whiskey. "God, how many more days do I have to do this."

    -----

    "Do I have to sit next to Tom Daschle?" Bush complained.

    "Yes," Laura answered, "if Donald's going to make the best effort not to strangle anyone, then the least I can do is not put him next to Tom Daschle."

    -----

    "Buck, why don't you tell them what you have to do to become a Marine," the teacher suggested.

    "Certainly. You have to go through boot camp. There they will put you through hell. They will break down your body. They will break down your mind. They will break down your spirit. You will beg for mercy. You will not get it. You will beg for death. It will not come. If you survive - and I mean 'if' - you will be a Marine. Then you can kill foreigners. So who wants to be a Marine?"

    The kids just stared at him bewildered, none of them raising their hands.

    "What are you all? Fags?"

    -----

    "Alright. I have to keep the world from imploding, since the rest of the countries are a bunch of idiots. The worst is France. How can I describe this to you... France is kinda like that kid in class everyone hates who reminds the teacher to give out homework." He then pointed to a geeky looking kid wearing glasses. "Probably that kid; he's France."

    "But without homework," the kid responded, "how are we going..."

    "Quiet, France. I'm tired of dealing with you."

    -----

    All of sudden Laura started shivering. "Why does it suddenly feel so cold in here?"

    "Hello," said Hillary Clinton, walking down the school hallway.

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    August 14, 2003

    Prediction

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    Glenn Reynolds will link to this post within four hours - if he has not already done so, or died - with the following comment:

    Heh.

    Indeed.

    Bet on it.

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    August 12, 2003

    Don't Applaud; Just Throw Money

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    I have found the funniest thing I think I've ever come across. It is a book/CD combination by Sandra Boynton (author of But Not the Hippopotamus and many other kids' books) that is a takeoff on the album Chant, and is called Grunt - the Pigorian Chant. These songs are all sung by barnyard animals, in the style of a monastic chant. All of the animals sing in Latin. Except the pigs, who sing in Pig Latin. Because no text can possibly give a sense of how funny this is, here is track two, and here are the lyrics:

    Anima Fundi
    (Life-Breath of the Farm)

    i. Spiritus i. Spirit.
    Voice:
    Vox spiritus fundi
    sumus.
    Dormiunt omnes.
    Stertunt Porci clari
    Auscultate:

    We are the voice
    of the spirit of the farm.
    Everyone is asleep.
    The famous Pigs are snoring.
    Listen:
    Pigs:
    Ore-snay. Ore-snay.
    Ore-snay. Ore-snay.
    Ore-snay. Ore-snay.

    Snore, snore,
    snore, snore,
    snore, snore...
    ii. Aurora [Bell tolls five] ii. Dawn
    Rooster:
    Coccadoodul du.
    Ego dixi:
    Coccadoodul du.

    Cock-a-doodle-doo.
    I said,
    Cock-a-doodle-doo.
    Chickens:
    O, primam lucem.
    Sol surgit.
    Gallus magnifice
    incedens exclamat.
    Nunc venit agricola.

    O, first light!
    The sun is rising.
    The strutting
    rooster calls.
    Now comes the farmer.
    Solo Chicken:
    Ecce Macdonaldus Senex,
    qui fundam habet.
    E-I-E-I-O.

    Behold Old MacDonald,
    who has a farm.
    E-I-E-I-O.
    Cows:
    Et in hoc fundo,
    nonnullas boves
    domesticas habet.
    E-I-E-I-O.
    Cum moo moo hic,
    cum moo moo ibi.
    Hic una moo,
    ibi una moo,
    ubique una moo moo.

    And on this farm,
    he has
    some cows.
    E-I-E-I-O..
    With a moo moo here,
    and a moo moo there.
    Here a moo,
    there a moo,
    everywhere a moo moo.
    Solo Chicken:
    Macdonaldus Senex
    fundum habet.
    E-I-E-I-O.
    Et in hoc fundo,
    nonnullos porcos
    habet.
    E-I-E-I-O.

    Old MacDonald
    has a farm
    E-I-E-I-O.
    And on this farm,
    he has some pigs.
    E-I-E-I-O.
    Dux:
    Ni oink oink hic.
    Ni oink oink ibi.
    Ubi sunt Porci
    quoquomodo?

    No oink oink here.
    No oink oink there.
    So where are the Pigs
    already?
    Farmer:
    Sooo-ee. Soooooooo-eeee.
    Ubi sunt Porci quoquomodo?

    Sooee, sooee.
    So where are the pigs already?
    Chickens:
    Dormiunt.
    Vocat ad se frustra.

    They're sleeping.
    He summons in vain.
    Farmer:
    Et in Arcadia sum.

    And this is pastoral paradise?


    Go forth and purchase: such genius must be rewarded. Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    August 1, 2003

    I'm Sick, Eh?

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    Porphyrogenitus is having fun with Canada. A lot of the points are about how difficult it is to get good health care in Canada, and how many Canadians come to the US for treatment. This reminded me of an event that happened before I stayed in Canada for a while.

    In southern Florida, many Canadians apparently combine vacationing with getting health care, and so there are some clinics which not only specialize in treating Canadians, but do so on the Canadian national healthcare plan. Not knowing this at the time, while visiting my wife's parents, we drove past a building labelled "Canadian Health Care." After the initial consternation, my wife's comment:

    "I'm sick, eh?"

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    July 24, 2003

    Gratuitous Pandering for Linkage, a Sonnet to Frank J.

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    I present, in a blatant attempt to get Frank J. to link to me, a pandering, brown-nosing sonnet:

    If there were but one perfect site,
    A treasure to beguile with prose,
    humor, irony, unfair blows,
    then here my browser would alight
    for funny potshots from the right:
    There is none but IMAO's
    for reading while your laughter grows
    and bringing forth of pure delight.

    Sound the applause - sound the alarm!
    Let no more puppies instablend,
    but only monkeys come to harm.
    Buck the Marine will us defend.
    Rumsfeld, Chomps and Condi charm
    and foes of freedom meet their end.

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    July 20, 2003

    No Barber of Occam

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    Henceforth, I shall refer to Michael Moore as Occam's Stubble.

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    July 13, 2003

    Listening to NPR

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    I listen to NPR's news as often as I get a chance - particularly when I am in the car. This is because they actually have reasonably sober presenters and frequently bring up issues or points I had not previously considered. However, NPR's talk shows are horribly politicized. This morning, I heard something like:

    Host: Does the murder of Uday and Qusay Hussein by American troops help or hurt our attempts to rebuild Iraq?
    Impressively-Credentialed Raving Moonbat #1: Of course, this will be seen as a "success" for the occupation, but I think that the most casual review of the facts on the ground tells us that this is really a transient and unimportant episode, which will in the end ensure that all Iraqi people want to drink the blood of American soldiers.
    ICRM#2: I couldn't agree more. It's amazing to me how the military just refuses to see how this will undermine our troops' already precarious position even worse, by making martyrs of these two relatively-unimportant figures.
    ICRM#3: What I don't understand, personally, is how we can even be talking about this, when it's obvious that Resident BUSH LIED about Iraq's motives in a minor note on an addendum to a subsection of a paragraph of his State of the Union speach. This makes me ashamed to be American.
    Token Reasonable Person: There seems to be something wrong with my line: there's a low banging constantly in the background. Anyway, I think that this has been a great moment in ...
    Host: That was the unending drumbeat of doom. It sets the atmosphere. And that's all the time we have for today. Please tune in tomorrow, when we'll have several more impressively-credentialled raving moonbats on to discuss how tax cuts cause little babies to die abandoned in the street.

    I think I'm exaggerating. Or maybe that was the BBC I was listening to.

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    Improving Readability

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    Jim Miller has an amusing post on the pomo BS spouted by many academics, in lieu of actually publishing something meaningful. I figured, if I were to translate this, using Babelfish, into Portugese, then back into English, I might get something more meaningful. So here we go:

    We can see a socio-sexual parallel between the geography of the wilderness and the topographies of narrative in this genre, which organizes a particular spatial itinerary and social anatomy.

    Into Portugese, then back again:
    We can see a parallel socio-socio-sexual we enter the geography of the wild region and topographies of the narrative in this genre, that he organizes one itinerary spatial particular and one anatomy social.

    Maybe if I try it in Japanese, it will be more useful...

    We geography of the wilderness and spatial itinerary of specification and can look at the socio characteristic balance between topography of the story of this genre which organizes social anatomy.

    Actually, I'm really not sure which is the original text any more. Oh, well.

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    July 12, 2003

    HMS Pinafore on Educrats

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    This is really funny.

    I am the very model of an Education Minister;
    My arguments are tortuous, my motivation sinister;
    But though my plans are ropy, and my reasons even ropier,
    I'm laying the foundations of a socialist utopia.

    I'm well aware the arguments the Tories use to blame us is
    that schools without competition will foster ignoramuses.
    But tolerating independent schools will be hypocrisy
    since freedom's incompatible with genuine democracy.

    I want to see that everyone learns socialism properly,
    and this is only possible inside a state monopoly;
    All schools that I don't recognise will therefore be prohibited
    and any private tutors will be flogged or even gibbeted.

    All middle-class morality I promise to eliminate;
    Exams I shall abolish, since they certainly discriminate;
    A college with a vacancy selecting its own candidate
    will quickly wish it hadn't, when it finds I have disbanded it.

    I'll throw away all covenants and charters international
    with which I disagree, and which must therefore be irrational;
    I short, in all of Europe from the Parthenon to Finisterre
    I'll be the most intolerant, intolerable Minister.

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    July 9, 2003

    Writing With Crayons

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    Via Smallest Minority, I am happy to share with you the funniest legal opinion I've ever read. The judge accuses both counsels of writing in crayon on the back of gravy stained paper place mats, and at one point advises Plaintiff's counsel not to run with sharp objects.

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    Beating up on Michael Kinsley

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    The Eleven Day Empire is beating up a bit on Michael Kinsley:


    He's, unsuprisingly, pushing the "Bush lied! BUSH LIED!" storyline.

    I've only got two comments. First of all, he ought to have skipped the Groucho Marx quote:

    The Bush administration borrows from Groucho: "Who are you going to believe -- us or your own two eyes?"

    It's overused already - find something a bit more original, Mikey...it makes you sound like part of a mindless, thoughtless herd, all parroting one another without regard to what actually...oh, right. I forgot who I was talking about.

    As Glenn would say: Heh!

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    June 10, 2003

    Reducing the Size of the North Korean Military

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    Frank J. has the quote of the day already. In Frank's world, SecDef Rumsfeld is giving a press conference:

    "North Korea says they need nuclear weapons so they can reduce the size of their military. What is your response to that?"

    "I would like to remind North Korea that we also have a plan for reducing the size of their military that involves nukes. Next question."

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    May 22, 2003

    No Toast without a Fire

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    \

    My lovely wife has a bit of an issue with toasters. When she was a teenager, she almost set her house on fire making toast in a toaster. Since then, she has made toast in the oven. And so, today, of course she caught the oven on fire. In honor of this occasion, I would like to present a parody of Bad Company's No Smoke Without a Fire:

    No Toast without a Fire

    Ooh, you like buttered toast in the oven
    You can forget sometimes to take it out, ooh yeah
    You come running just as fast as you can, but you've forgotten again, yeah

    But you can do what you wanna do now, tell me what you wanna say
    You can take what you wanna take, babe, take it all away

    Chorus:
    Oh, there's no toast without a fire, and there's no bread without a flame
    Oh, there's no loaf without disaster, but I'll put it out again

    Ooh, you've got a problem with burning bread
    You just forget until it's blackened and dead, ooh yeah
    You keep tellin' me the toast is alright
    You disappear, and the oven comes alight

    Just tell me what you wanna do now, now that the stoneware is gone is gone
    It's your toast, you can do what you want, baby let me know

    (chorus)

    Please don't ask me why
    'Cos I can't quite explain, I'm like a moth to your flame

    (Solo)

    Yeah, just tell me what you wanna do now, now that the stoneware is gone
    It's your toast, you can do what you want, baby let me know, yeah

    (chorus) - let's talk about it

    (chorus repeats out)

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    May 14, 2003

    Oh No! Oh No No

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    This is just wrong. I refer, in particular, to Bigwig's, er, quotes from the Pontiff.

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    May 11, 2003

    This is America

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    Frank J once again demonstrates that you can be funny while you make a serious point.

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    May 10, 2003

    Lileks

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    And here is an example of why Lileks' bleats are so widely read:

    I hear little feet hit the floor upstairs; I start up the stairs, and hear the feet scurrying back to bed. By the time I get to her room she's making fake snoring sounds. I'm raising an actress. Or a sociopath. And the difference is? Discuss.

    From the same bleat, discussing advice to callers to talk radio shows:
    3. If you met the host on a plane a year ago, or a reception six months ago, do not embarrass everyone by bringing it up. Unless you did something memorable, such as driving your heel into his foot while shouting I AM THE VENGEANCE OF ASHERON AND ALL HIS MINIONS the host probably won't remember who you are. It's nothing personal. (Unless it is.)

    Can I be James Lileks when I grow up?

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    Understanding Men

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    Mrs. Du Toit explains women. I thought I'd return the favor.

    Men are heirarchichal.

    We are object oriented.

    We define our schema in a file, whose syntax is very simple, but which requires several reboots and much swearing before it will really take full effect - little bits of old schema definitions end up cached somewhere in memory, and only come out when the right branch of a particular algorithm are triggered.

    We are algorithmically driven, and don't deal well with dynamic reconfigurations.

    We block on reads.

    We cache writes and don't necessarily flush cache until a reboot.

    Any time that the tables change, we need an expensive and time-consuming reindexing. If the tables are modified during the reindexing, we have to start over. During the reindexing, we are likely to return stale results, unless the system is down.

    Deletes don't necessarily replicate. In such a case, you have to reissue the command.

    We theoretically support transactions, but we are not very good about checking the handshake to ensure that everything is in sync before we acknowledge a connection. This sometimes leads to partially-committed transactions which are difficult to back out.

    Our logs are an unreadable mess scattered all over the place.

    Stack tracing is a futile gesture, returning pointers to long-freed routines (whose interfaces were muddled to begin with).

    We take crashes with a grain of salt, as long as the system restarts normally, but we are deeply annoyed with recurring bugs.

    In effect, we are Active Directory.

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    April 25, 2003

    The Dangers of Media Consolidation

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    Tim Blair has a great post about media consolidation. Since Tim's on blogspot, and their archives are frelled, I've copied the whole thing below.

    TED TURNER, the vice chairman of AOL Time Warner CNN Sports Illustrated People Entertainment Weekly Fortune Money In Style Real Simple Time For Kids Sports Illustrated For Kids Teen People People en Espa�ol Fortune Small Business Business 2.0 Southern Living Progressive Farmer Southern Accents Sunset Cooking Light Coastal Living For the Love of Cross Stitch For the Love of Quilting Parenting Baby Talk Health In Style U.K. In Style Australia In Style Germany Time Asia Time Canada Time Atlantic Time Latin America Time South Pacific Wallpaper* Who Weekly Popular Science Outdoor Life Field & Stream Golf Magazine Yachting Motor Boating Salt Water Sportsman Ski Skiing Freeze This Old House TransWorld Stance TransWorld Surf TransWorld Skateboarding TransWorld Snowboarding TransWorld Motocross TransWorld Surf BMX Ride BMX Skiing Trade News TransWorld Skateboarding Business TransWorld Snowboarding Business TransWorld Surf Business BMX Business News Amateur Gardening Amateur Photographer Angler's Mail Cage & Aviary Birds Chat Country Life Cycling Weekly Horse & Hound NME Now Shooting Times & Country Magazine Woman Woman's Own Woman's Weekly Woman's Feelgood Series Woman's Own Lifestyle Series Woman's Weekly Home Series TV & Satellite Week TVTimes What's On TV Mizz Mizz Specials Webuser Caravan Magazine The Guitar Magazine VolksWorld World Soccer Beautiful Homes Bird Keeper Cars & Car Conversions Chat Passion Series Classic Boat Country Homes & Interiors Creating Beautiful Homes Cycle Sport Decanter Essentials Eventing Family Circle Golf Monthly Hi-Fi News Homes & Gardens Horse Ideal Home Land Rover World Livingetc Loaded Marie Claire MBR-Mountain Bike Rider MiniWorld Model Collector Motor Caravan Motor Boat & Yachting Motor Boats Monthly Muzik 19 Now Style Series 4x4 Park Home & Holiday Caravan Practical Boat Owner Practical Parenting Prediction Racecar Engineering The Railway Magazine Rugby World Ships Monthly Soaplife Sporting Gun Stamp Magazine The Field The Golf Uncut What Digital Camera Woman & Home Yachting Monthly Yachting World Aeroplane Monthly Superbike Women & Golf Shoot Monthly Hair Wedding & Home Women's Weekly Fiction Special International Boat Industry Farm Holiday Guides Jets Time Life Inc. Oxmoor House Lesiure Arts Sunset Books Media Networks, Inc. First Moments Targeted Media Inc. Time Inc, Custom Publishing Synapse Time Distribution Services Time Inc. Home Entertainment Time Customer Service Warner Publishing Services This Old House Ventures, Inc. TimePix Essence Communications Partners European Magazines Limited Avantages S.A. CompuServe ICQ MapQuest Moviefone Netscape AOL Music Little, Brown and Company Adult Trade Books Warner Books Little, Brown and Company Children's Publishing Bulfinch Press Warner Faith Time Warner AudioBooks Time Warner Books UK HBO Cinemax Comedy Central HBO Asia HBO Brasil HBO Czech HBO Hungary HBO India HBO Korea HBO Ole HBO Poland HBO Romania A&E Mundo E! Latin America SET Latin America WBTV Latin America Latin America History Channel New Line Cinema Fine Line Features Bay News 9, Tampa, FL Central Florida News 13, Orlando, FL News 8 Austin, TX NY1 News, New York, NY R/News, New York, NY News 14, Carolina Time Warner Telecom, Inc. inDemand Kansas City Cable Partners Texas Cable Partners TBS Superstation Turner Network Television Cartoon Network Turner Classic Movies Turner South Boomerang TCM Europe Cartoon Network Europe TNT Latin America Cartoon Network Latin America TCM & Cartoon Newtwork Asia Pacific CNN International CNNfn CNN en Espa�ol CNNRadio CNN Newsource CNNMoney.com CNN Student News CNNSI.com Cartoon Network Japan Court TV CETV Castle Rock Entertainment Telepictures Productions Warner Home Video Warner Bros. Consumer Products Warner Bros. International Theatre Looney Tunes Hanna-Barbera DC Comics MAD Magazine The Atlantic Recording Corporation Elektra Entertainment Group Inc. Warner Bros. Records Inc. Warner/Chappell Music, Inc. Alternative Distribution Alliance Giant Merchandising Rhino Entertainment WMG Soundtracks Ivy Hill Corporation, claims that too few people own too many media organisations.

    "It's not healthy," Turner added.

    Posted by jeff at 9:22 AM | TrackBack

    April 23, 2003

    His Majesty's Request

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    His Majesty demands death threats. See:

    I DEMAND death threats!!!

    Very well, sir; your wish is my command.

    Rarr! I am the Rumsfeld Strangler, and I am going to strangle you! RARR!

    Posted by jeff at 9:43 PM | TrackBack

    April 22, 2003

    Moran warboy say true nots phoney what dumb

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    A Small Victory has a Puce limerick contest. CLICK

    Posted by jeff at 11:14 AM | TrackBack

    April 21, 2003

    Race Preferences

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    This post includes a great letter from a professor to his students, explaining why it is that he will be deducting points from high-scoring white students, and giving them to lower-scoring black students.

    Posted by jeff at 11:05 PM | TrackBack

    April 17, 2003

    Weclome all Unite States lardy demins!

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    You won't believe it until you read it. (link from A Small Victory)

    Not found there, but should be:

    In A.D. 2101
    War was beginning.
    Captain: What happen ?
    Mechanic: Somebody set up us the bomb
    Operator: We get signal
    Captain: What !
    Operator: Main screen turn on
    Captain: It's You !!
    Cats: How are you gentlemen !!
    Cats: All your base are belong to us
    Cats: You are on the way to destruction
    Captain: What you say !!
    Cats: You have no chance to survive make your time
    Cats: HA HA HA HA ....
    Captain: Take off every 'zig'
    Captain: You know what you doing
    Captain: Move 'zig'
    Captain: For great justice

    Posted by jeff at 9:58 PM | TrackBack

    Death to Clippy

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    Aubrey Turner points to a really funny collection of images.

    Posted by jeff at 3:04 PM | TrackBack

    If We Needed a Deck of Cards

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    I wonder if I should try to talk my wife into buying a new deck of cards. (Hat tip: Sgt. Stryker)

    Posted by jeff at 12:06 PM | TrackBack

    April 15, 2003

    ACPOTI

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    Not one movie has been made about the Soviet Union in [WWII]
    By Allah I swear to you that there are no movies about Stalingrad, for instance. These are figments of the NAZI Hollywood propaganda machine, may Allah smite their film reels and their beards grow only into goatees.

    The title, in case you don't read Right Wing News, is an acronym for Anyone Can Post on the Internet. Today's entry is from his very own comments sections.

    Posted by jeff at 2:17 PM | TrackBack

    March 25, 2003

    Summation of the Left

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    Here is perhaps the most concise summation of the anti-Enlightenment Left ever made:

    We are mapless, we are lost, and we are distracted by gusts of wishful thinking.

    It's actually funnier, taken in context. It is from Nicholas von Hoffman, talking about the war in Afghanistan (hat tip: Instapundit) just before we completely routed the Taliban. Of course, he was attempting to describe the US war effort, but he somehow more aptly described his own ideological tribe. And this is worth noting, in a context when the anti-Enlightenment intellectuals are braying about our impending defeat in Iraq.

    Posted by jeff at 1:30 PM | TrackBack

    March 17, 2003

    They're French!

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    Connor (age 7) was watching Kevin Branaugh's movie of Shakespeare's Henry V today, for the first time. During the scene at Agincourt, in the midst of the battle, Connor said: "They're not going to win. They're French!"

    I guess I'm rubbing off on him...

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    March 12, 2003

    It had to be Bunnies

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    I think that Frank J has been reading Anna Bunny. Ah, synergy!

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack

    March 6, 2003

    No Oil for Greenpeace

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    I have been this week on a business trip to Chicago. Yesterday, I ran across a man wearing a "No War" button. Sadly, he turned out to be fairly intelligent, and broke off his conversation with me in less than five minutes.

    This afternoon, walking back from work to the hotel, I saw three young men from Greenpeace on the sidewalk on my side of the street. I smiled at my inner thoughts ("And me without a baseball bat...") and I guess that one of the young men took this as a welcoming expression, and asked me to talk to him about energy policy.

    Joe, as he turned out to be named, was actually a very nice guy. He explained that they were trying "to raise money to fight Bush's disastrous energy plan." He went on to give a little spiel about what they were trying to do, and asked if I were interested in joining.

    I tried to give him an out: "I really don't agree with a lot of Greenpeace's policies, so that would not really be appropriate for me to do."

    Joe didn't take the out: "Can you give me an example of something you don't agree with?"

    Me: "Well, I can give you several, but I don't have the time to go on at that kind of length. I'll give you one, though. In California, there are windmills all over the hills, but they seldom run. The reason is that these tend to chop up birds in flight, including endangered migratory birds. Greenpeace fought hard to get California to pay for putting in the windmills, and Friends of the Earth, I think it was, fought hard to get California to shut them down. So in the end, all that ended up happening was that California taxpayers spent a lot of money to put a large number of metal poles on their hills. Not really a good use of public funds, I think."

    Joe: [blink blink...thinking for a moment] "I see what you mean, but don't you think that we need a cleaner alternative?"

    Me: "Alternative to what, exactly?"

    Joe: "To fossil fuels, like oil, coal and natural gas. They pollute the environment when we burn them, and Bush's plan increases our dependence on oil, which means that there will be more oil spills like the Prestige, and more strip mining, which destroys the environment. I used to work for a company which made microturbines, but Bush cut funding for alternative energy research and our clients went elsewhere."

    Me: "Wasn't the Prestige a Greek ship? And wasn't it taking oil from Russia or Latvia or something like that to Singapore? "

    Joe: "ummm..."

    Me: "I guess you were just using that as an example, though. I certainly think that it would be nice to have alternatives, but I don't see any, really. None of the clean 'alternative' sources work very well, when you think about it, nuclear isn't politically possible, and none of the really good-looking alternatives will be here for years yet."

    Joe: "Well, if Bush hadn't cut funding for alternative..."

    Me: "Oh, I don't really think that's a problem. In fact, it's really a good thing, because if the alternatives were feasible, they'd work without the government funding. Funding things through the government just leads people to make bad choices and it's really destructive, ultimately. I'd rather let people make their own choices of alternatives, then have the government choose for all of us."

    Joe: "But is that really worth destroying ANWR and killing all that wildlife?"

    Me: "Have you been to ANWR?"

    Joe: "No, have you??!"

    Me: "No, and you know what? We can see more people from where we're standing than have been to ANWR in the last decade or so. It's a wasteland, and if we're going to mess up the environment somewhere, better there or in the Arabian desert than, say, West Texas, which at least makes good farmland. Anyway, they're talking about so few wells over such a large area, the average Caribou - assuming it ever sees a well - will be displaced by a couple of hundred feet. I think I can live with drilling in ANWR, really."

    Joe: "Wouldn't you rather have some clean source of energy that doesn't do any damage, like solar or wind power?"

    Me: "Well, really, that's not viable. You can only get solar and wind in low densities, and in a few places. The cells are pretty inefficient, and you have to ship the energy a long distance - which is pretty inefficient - and store it - which is pretty inefficient. I'm not convinced that a solar plant would generate more usable energy than it consumes to build and maintain the plant and the storage and transmission infrastructure for it. Wind's got the same problem, plus the birds, and both solar and wind energy can't be easily shipped around to where they're needed. Oil you put in a truck and put it where you need it. "

    Joe: [blink blink]

    Me: "There are some alternatives I'd like to see, though."

    Joe: [brightening up considerably] "Like..."

    Me: "Well, like fusion. That's been 15 to 20 years off for a long time now, but maybe they'll get it soon. It's theoretically possible, but frankly I don't think that they'll be able to do it with the tokamak designs. They'll need something new. Microwave power satellites would be a good choice, if you could solve a few engineering problems first, like how to build and maintain a structure like that in space, and how to get the power to the ground without having fires catch if the beam goes off target. What I'd really like to see, that is practical and available now, is to reduce the economic and regulatory burdens on nuclear fission plants. France and Japan, for instance, generate most of their electrical power from this source and have done it safely for decades."

    Joe: "What about the nuclear waste?"

    Me: "In comparison to coal slag and oil spills? I'll take it. Besides, we can seal it in glass, put the glass in containers, and put those in deep salt mines where they'll be safe for tens of thousands of years. Or, we could take those containers, and drop them into subduction zones in the ocean and let the waste be recycled in the molten rock it came from. Well, that would probably require us to actually drill in the subduction zones to get through the silt, so it might not be economically viable. Besides, like I said, it's not really politically viable. I suppose there is one way I'd support getting rid of the fossil fuel economy now, though."

    Joe: [brightening again] "What's that?"

    Me: "The population of the world prior to the industrial era was, I think, about 250 million. If I could administer the tests to see who lives, I'd consider it."

    Joe: [dispiritedly] "I think I'd better go talk to some more people now."

    No voices were ever raised, and we parted with a handshake. Given the rate at which Joe's compatriots were stopping people, I figure I kept three or four people from talking to Joe. Since none of them seemed to be signing up, though, I probably didn't lose them any money. Shame, that.

    Posted by jeff at 5:05 PM | TrackBack

    February 16, 2003

    Check!

    Note: this is a post recovered from my old blog, before it died of an insufficient backup. Any comments/trackbacks on it have not been brought over, but can be seen with the original. The date is that of the original posting.

    Steven Den Beste wants us to not include him in any idealogically-based checkboxes:

    As I said, I'm "ain't ism". I ain't any ism. If there's any formal political persuasion you can put a name on, it's virtually certain that I disagree with it in some way, on at least one substantial issue — almost always because of practical evaluation of outcomes, given that I'm not particularly impressed by ideology. I'm not even 100% committed to populism, which is why I think the Founders were extremely wise to put a lot of issues off-limits to normal political discourse when they passed the Bill of Rights. The whole point of my article was that I don't think I fit into any boxes.

    And much as y'all would like to claim me for your box, please include me out.

    OK, so Steven goes into the category for "people whom I don't put in boxes." Check!

    Posted by jeff at 12:00 AM | TrackBack