Yes, Mark, again.
... and a vent.
I feel like a freak show walking down the street. It gets old.
Yes, I have four children. Yes, they're all boys. Is this really terribly unusual? Yes, I stay home with them. Yes, I take care of them ALL DAY. No, I don't have any "help", except for my husband. I'd like to have family nearby to help, but I don't. Right now we're away from not only family, but friends. That's how it goes.
I am constantly flabbergasted by the reactions people have to my family. I am told, nearly every day, that taking care of four boys is a HUGE job. They don't know how I do it. I must be a saint. I am so BRAVE for taking them out in the city. Blah blah blah.
Sometimes it's nice to hear these things; let's face it, they pump up my ego. But for heaven's sakes. These are my kids. I had four kids. On purpose. What am I supposed to do? They're mine, I had them. Now I take care of them. That's my job, right? I have the kids, I take care of the kids. I have the kids so we go places. Does having more than two children somehow mean I am supposed to be too weighted down to go out? Should we sit in the apartment all day?
You don't know how I do it? Well, if you have one kid, you do what you need to do with one kid. If you have two, you do what you need to do with two. If you have four, same thing. Once you have the kids you still have to live your life. You couldn't do it? That's crap. Of course you could. If you had the kids, you'd do what I do. You'd take care of them. You'd take them outside. You'd do it, because they would be THERE, and you don't have an option (as long as you want to keep your kids).
Yes, I enjoy being with my kids and taking them places. But still, it's not like I have an option. What the heck else do you suggest I do?
That's the vent. Here's the homeschooling part: The same people who seem to think I'm an incredible superwoman of some kind for
Surely I must be taking on too much. I need to be easier on myself. Is that wise? I should get some help. I must have the patience of a saint.
Look, folks, it's all crap.
I wanted to stay home with my babies from the moment I had a baby. I stayed home with them. It was great ... and eventually, boring. Then some of them got old enough to play games, and learn how to read, and do fun stuff (in Mom's definition of fun). And then people wanted me to send the fun ones away to school, so I could stay with the babies and someone else could have fun with my olders? Oh, I don't think so.
I still do child care. I still play with toddlers. I still do housework, cook and change diapers. But now my day is also filled with reading, and being read to; with Shakespeare and knights and castles and Aztecs and rockets, grammar, languages, and learning everything through the eyes of my incredible children.
No, it is not extra work, not for me anyway. Not particularly. It is different work. If they were in school I'd probably do more housework (oh, joy!). I'd spend my time driving, carpooling, volunteering at school, overseeing homework, and with the PTA. I do not believe, not for a minute, that having my school-aged children in a school would give me more time to do anything. My time would just be being spent in a different way; I guess in a more socially acceptable way.
It is not extra work. This is our life. Life at home without them would be far less fulfilling, less interesting, less exciting. Yes, a part of our homeschooling is completely selfish. Of course, what is best for them and their education comes first, but how lucky I am that for now what is best for their education coincides with my selfish needs to have this much fun teaching them, and learning alongside them.
Yes, having the kids home is "hard". Yes, being responsible for their education is "hard". Having kids is hard, period. Being a parent is hard, period, no matter how many kids you have, no matter how you arrange for their education. None of the alternatives are any easier. They're just different.
Posted by Steph at June 24, 2004 10:52 AMBrava!
Posted by: Tammy, blogger emeritus on June 24, 2004 12:11 PMThere is an option: not taking care of your kids. Plenty of parents do that too. They take them to school in the morning, have the daycare/soccer coach pick them up in the afternoon so they can have their two jobs and their two leased Mercedes - but their kids hardly see their parents.
You are not a freak show - you are a responsible parent. These days, though, maybe that DOES make you a saint.
Posted by: Mark L on June 24, 2004 02:01 PMAttaboy girl. You decided what was right for you and your kids and stepped up to the plate. there is no better way to spend your time.
Posted by: atlas on June 24, 2004 02:37 PMAs a fellow mom of four boys I am there with you. People think you're crazy for having 4 to begin with and add HSing on top of that and there's this deer-in-the-headlights look, a shake of the head and even "How long do you think you can keep that up?" Excuse me? As long as I have all 4 of them to raise and educate, for cryin' out loud! (Just joining your rant...)
BTW - are you going to turn into a permanent Chicagoan? I love hearing about your adventures. Between reading you and MFS it's all I can do to keep from putting the house on the market and heading to a real city!
Have a grand day!
Hear! Hear!
I get slightly different questions, usually pertaining to paying for weddings. Why would I pay for the girls' weddings anyway? They also think my children are much closer in age, which seems to put me closer to sainthood as well. Dunno why.
Hey, I know. We'll switch kids for a while and then we can get used to hearing the other side for a while. LOL
Posted by: susie on June 24, 2004 05:37 PMYahoo for you. You spoke (and ranted, frankly) very eloquently about what I experience. I have 2 children (only 2, haha) and homeschool. I happen to know a lot of teacher moms who are taking time to be at home with their young until they are school-aged. They always tell me how much they admire me for homeschooling. (I actually think most of them are convinced I'm nuts.) They tell me they wish they could do it but know they couldn't. This is absurd to me! They're more comfortable in a room of 24 kids teaching then they are in their own living room with their own 2-4 or so offspring? And so once they're school aged, they're going to ship off their dear children so that someone else can teach them while they teach someone else's kids? Let's talk about absurd. One of these days I'm going to blurt it all out and then they'll have proof of my insanity.
Posted by: Kelbel on June 24, 2004 08:51 PMOh, this is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. The other day, a lady said in passing (I have no idea who she was, just a stranger trying to make chit-chat), "Oh, three boys! You're in trouble!" James was truly upset by that. At first he thought I'd done something wrong. Then he thought HE'D done something wrong. I tried (with little conviction) to explain that she was just trying to be humorous. He chewed on it for a bit and said, "Well, I don't think she's funny at all." LOL. Neither do I, kiddo.
I want a shirt that says, "YES, they're mine. YES, I stay home with them. YES, we homeschool." and on the back, write, "NO, I don't want to hear your snarky comments." Think Zorak would get me that for Christmas?
Posted by: Dy on June 24, 2004 10:13 PMI am a single mother of two... one child has a learning disability... and I just have to say...
AMEN!
I hear over and over again how brave I am and how strong and how hard it must be... blah blah blah
The truth is, these are my children and I'm CHOOSING to raise them in the best way I know how to do it.... just because my marriage failed does not give me the right to "fail" the kids because it might be hard.
You are 100% right when you say all the alternatives are "hard"... different from each other but "hard". Raising children is the biggest job parents have... it shouldn't be easy. Plus, hard doesn't mean it can't be fun and thrilling at the same time.
- Dana
P.S. sorry about the soapbox there!
Posted by: -d on June 25, 2004 09:55 AMWell, the one that's getting on my nerves now has to do with people remarking about my one boy being surrounded by all these sisters (and saying things *to* him about it). You know what? *HE* doesn't think it's that big of a deal! You know what else? Girls aren't *THAT* evil!
*Sigh*...I know folks aren't always making some sort of social statement about the differences in genders when they say things like this, I just wish that someone would consider that I've heard the same comments a skillion times.
Posted by: Jill in OK on June 25, 2004 12:55 PMAMEN!!! I have 2 boys and 2 girls. No, I'm not SuperMom. No, I'm not a saint. I'm just a mom committed to doing what I think is best for my children.
Posted by: Renee on June 30, 2004 04:51 AMBut see, you're supposed to put the kids in day care and/or school all day, then have them in activities at night. That way you can do what YOU want to do while only having to deal with your kids for 30 minutes or less a day.
What do you mean that spending time with them IS what you want to do?
That's crazy talk!
Posted by: Brian on June 30, 2004 09:48 PMSteph, I totally agree with you on the vents above. I want the t-shirt that says simply, "Please THINK before you speak in front of my CHILDREN."
And, in reading through some of the other responses, while I know we are all preaching to the choir here . . .
I don't think it's true that most people who send their kids off to public/private school do so to support their cars or becaues they want to do what THEY want to do without having to deal with their kids.
It is my experience that most of my friends who send their kids to public/private school do so because they think it's best for the kid. They sincerely believe the kid will get a reasonable education there. I have many, many friends with kids in public/private schools and not one of them owns a so-called luxury vehicle, leased or otherwise.
In fact, I'm the only one in our circle of friends who leases their vehicle at all -- and that's because my husband is leasing directly from his employer, the manufacturer.
It's tempting to lash out in snarkiness in return, but there's really no need.
It is my experience that they sincerely believe that what we do is HARDER. I have tried to relieve others of this notion and they look ASTONISHED. Clearly I am mentally ill. Clearly I am MORE of something than they are. My reassurances that I'm about as falliable as a mother can get fall on deaf ears. I have friends who go on thinking I can homeschool and they cannot because I am SMARTER. They think I am more patient (guffaw) or even, more on the fringe of society than they are. I'm their odd friend.
That's okay. I am older than many of my friends and all of my generation of relatives. I led more than a few of them to extended breastfeeding and I believe I shall lead a few of them to homeschooling. I've already led one to a sincere interest in cloth diapering :)
People who drop their kids off for kindergarten may bring them home in second or fourth or tenth grades. Be patient with them :)
Now, if you'll excuse me. My two youngest have stripped naked and are playing in the landscaping in my back yard. I need to go be the "better mother" all those strangers think we are ;)
Alaska, I think you're referring to Mark and Brian's comments. I know them well enough to say that that wasn't what they meant. It wasn't that they were berating people who dropped their kids of at school so they could do their own thing; what they were talking about is the practice of sending your kids to school and then when they're out of school keeping them constantly dropped off in one activity after another. The kids are *never* home, and the parents have very little time with them. By choice.
I've seen what they're talking about, and I've seen the parents who do this with kids who are not even school-aged yet: the kids are shuffled from daycare to babysitter to this or that, while the parents go do their own things. NOT out of necessity, but out of choice.